Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Most Painful Experience

It's exactly 3.45am and I just came out from the bath room~ I sobbed like a kid, It was terrible.. thinking that this is the worst Valentine's gift I ever had.. Why?? Just why?? I still treat you like my dearest wife.. My hair haven't stopped falling, it's been so long.. weeks.. I asked my mom if stress causes this she says yes, she asked what am I stress about but I can only keep quiet.. It's hurting me so much..

My condition now is still very unstable.. I came out still sobbing badly~ my family had slept and I'm the only one awake.. I wouldn't want to sleep.. I would sob badly again~ I don't want to wake up.. Because I will definitely wake up very early and my mind would start running..

I hate my life so much.. You are the last person I can trust.. Why must I always be the one getting hurt by people?? I have no one to share my feelings now, I can't cry on my friends shoulder.. Whatever I say.. no one can be as clear as me.. no one would spend this kind of time on me.. I'm always left out alone.. nobody cares.. to keep this painful and hurting feelings in my heart because I never wanted you to be so angry at me again~

I might afraid we might quarrel... I don't want to give you more stress as you have schools and your FC.. Running away is a problem.. facing it is also a problem.. what should I do? You made the decision and your confused.. I'm even more confused.. I felt like I got hurt for nothing.. Why do you say it will lessen my sorrow if you come back? No.. I do get happy easily.. If I get what I wanted.. I know I may get sick, but I don't care, it's better if I got a high fever which leads to brain damage or die.. I just want to stop thinking, it's not I don't want to stop it's because I can't..

I don't know if it's about our distance, but I know it affects us very much.. I'm so sorry I can't visit you.. I don't have that money.. but I hope after my NS used the money to visit you.. nothing is false hope when you think it's possible.. because I have only treated you as my one and only wife.. So I have already done it and I don't believe I can't.. All is up to you, if you really treat me as your hubby then nothing is impossible.. ;'(

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